Archive for the ‘Toys’ Category

FullSizeRender 3Last week, for the first time, Garnet asked me what my job is. It’s a wonderful moment when your child starts to show an interest in you, as a person.  I told him I am a writer and an editor. He then asked what an editor is. I told him an editor helps other writers make their writing better.

But I’m confused, because although I think that’s what I said, what he seems to have heard is, ‘I am a Lego Detective. I can find any piece of Lego, anywhere in our house or car. I only need three seconds to do this.

‘I am also the repository of knowledge of the whereabouts of everything else we own. I keep track, at all times, of where the extra lid to your new water bottle is, which I last saw when you took it out of the room I was in five days ago. I am a tracking system for the black button that fell off your old raincoat and which you now treasure. (more…)

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IMG_0658This week I reached what is probably the pinnacle of laziness* and had toilet paper home delivered.

When we stayed in Perth last Christmas, housesitting for friends,  I noticed a box in the laundry that had ‘Who Gives A Crap’ printed on it. I looked it up online and discovered it’s a company that sells only home-delivered bog roll. I like having things home delivered and I love swear words and not running out of toilet paper, so this seemed like a good fit for us. (more…)

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legoThis week has marked an important childhood milestone in our household: the transition from Duplo to Lego. Due to my fear of my family actually drowning in clutter and the paramedics not being able to push the door open to reach us when we are lying on the floor, our feet cut to ribbons by the sharp plastic edges of the little bricks, I’ve been strongly resisting this transition by using a clever psychological technique called lying, but they saw through me. (more…)

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  1. When Garnet says he wants to wear a dress, he means it. Unless he is talking about a T-shirt, which I have taken to calling dresses in an attempt to encourage him to sometimes wear one instead of an actual dress.
  2. Colours: Garnet knows his colours, sort of. But sometimes he calls things by the colour he wants them to be. His pale blue Bonds wondersuit pyjamas he calls silver. When he asks for his orange giraffe dress he means the grey shirt with a variety of African animals on it. Magical thinking.
  3. He calls knives yu-yus
  4. He calls passionfruit wu-wus
  5. He calls elephants do-dahs.
  6. Apart from that he speaks English.
  7. Yuyus, wuwus and do-dahs are his top three favourite things. Number four is tongs.
  8. He likes to say he hates things and they are horrible. He usually doesn’t mean it. He just likes the drama.
  9. He is saying fox, not fuck. Unless he is saying fuck.
  10. He is saying Cottontail when you think he is saying crocodile or cockatoo.
  11. About 18 hours a day the pair of them will be in character as Lily Rabbit and Cottontail from the accursed works of Beatrix Potter. The rest of the time Garnet likes to be addressed as Baby Spot (the dog) or Baby Panda. Occasionally Baby Zebra or Baby Rhino. Try to keep up.
  12. Under no circumstances allow May Blossom to tie Garnet’s shoes. No one on earth can undo that kid’s knots.
  13. The nappies, hats, shoes and craft supplies are in the boxes so marked in the giant Ikea white shelves that everyone thinks will make their life more organised. I don’t know where anything else is in the whole house. I am but one person.
  14. Sorry about the state of the fridge.
  15. You can’t run more than one electrical appliance in the kitchen or laundry at the same time. We live in the olden days.
  16. There is no jumping allowed on the furniture. Even if the culprit claims he or she is doing yoga.
  17. When Garnet is hurt or upset, his default position is to cry that he wants to go to the zoo or that he misses his friend Charlie. Wait it out. Four times out of ten you won’t have to go to the zoo or Facetime Charlie.
  18. If May Blossom narrows her eyes at you and scowls, shit is about to get real. Seek shelter.
  19. If you take the kids to the movies, please be aware Garnet is not yet heavy enough to hold down a flip up seat. You’ll look back to find him folded in half like origami, with his feet beside his ears. A muffled voice will be chirping ‘I’m dead!’. He is not dead.
  20. If in doubt about anything, ask May Blossom. She runs this joint.


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tupperwareWe’ve had a spate of rainy days in the last few weeks, which means May Blossom has spent less time in the backyard ostensibly decorating the bricks with pavement chalk but really improvising the face make-up of the characters from Cats on herself and her brother, and more time inside immersing herself in imaginary worlds. Some of these imaginary worlds are fantastic: ‘The Witch in the Woods’, for example, or ‘Castle Doctors’ (tending to people who have been run through with lances, or have splinters from battering rams, or have burns from boiling oil). (more…)

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bigshoesPoor May Blossom. She is the mother of a most troublesome child. Cupcake the Filthy Doll, generally known his family, friends and the local constabulary as Baby, has been up to a fat lot of No Good.

He wasn’t a bad baby to begin with, but about six months ago I began to hear tales from his mother about various crimes and misdemeanours for which he was responsible. First there was the broken wall near our local post office. (more…)

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sharingYesterday my tiny baby May Blossom started daycare. She went off all by herself (well, we took her there, obviously. She didn’t have to catch the bus) and spent from 8.30 in the morning until 4.30 in the afternoon with someone who was not me, her dad, her grandparents or one of her uncles. She is two months shy of three years old, and that’s the nearest the word ‘shy’ will get to her. Headstrong: yes. Strong-willed: ‘extremely’, said her daycarer. But not shy. (more…)

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