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Garnet has one elf ear. The other is a human ear. We are unsure what, if anything, to make of this.

Garnet’s 24 days old. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster so far: lots of screaming and vomit. The screaming as been me, mostly, but the vomit’s all down to him.

He has, thus far, been a very easy baby, which is extremely fortunate because I haven’t been an easy mother. Yesterday the GP had me do a multiple choice misery quiz – like those old Cosmopolitan quizzes about what kind of a lover you are, except more about how much you hate everything — which I totally aced, so now I get to sport the label ‘postnatal depression’ and take some pills and have some counselling. (more…)

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Our little boy was born ten days ago. Sorry it’s taken me so long to put him down and write a post to announce it. But if you smelled his head you’d understand. He is, like a Christmas blockbuster novel, unputdownable.

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May Blossom re-enacts what will happen if you don't shut about about your birth plan while having coffee with friends.

May Blossom re-enacts what will happen if you don’t shut about about your birth plan while having coffee with friends.

My friends Lou and Sophie visited me yesterday, with their delightful children. While the three bigger kids all rabbited about leaving dangerously small items where Lou’s baby could ingest them, we chatted about birth. Sophie and I are both nearly due for the second time and Lou has Been There And Done That and is now the proud and exceedingly competent mother of two small humans. As I launched into my usual diatribe about how I’d like to have a VBAC but who knows what will happen and I’ll probably end up with another caeasarean which will be fine but also not fine because I won’t be able to pick up May Blossom but at least I won’t end up with such bad tearing that I have a vaganus and so on and so forth, Lou made the polite suggestion that perhaps I might benefit from listening to the meditation tracks from a Calmbirth course. (more…)

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pineappleThat was quite a long day off I took, wasn’t it? Whoops. I spent three days ill and have been recovering since then. I’m feeling better. I’d still quite like to have this baby sooner rather than later, but I feel like I can stick it out a bit longer.

Whenever May Blossom wakes up these days, the first thing she says is, in a very irritated tone of voice: ‘I didn’t want to go to sleep.’ She regards us getting her to fall asleep as a cruel trick. It might be because when she is complaining in her cot about not wanting to  sleep we have started telling her that she doesn’t have to go to sleep, she just needs to lie quietly. I think she believes us and is then hugely pissed off to wake some hours later to discover she slept anyway. Yesterday she elaborated for me: ‘I don’t want to go to sleep. I just want to wake up.’ (more…)

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water

In the event of finding yourself over thirty-eight weeks pregnant and suffering from a virus that makes you burn with fever and shake with chills for twenty-four hours (so far…) this is all I can suggest:  (more…)

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Also not what it looks like: this image of May Blossom checking on her sibling in my tummy illustrates why late pregnancy, maxi-dresses and toddlers make for an undignified mix.

I didn’t blog yesterday. I know, you all noticed and were terribly concerned, and were not at all quietly rejoicing at the respite from the barrage of ill-thought out posts that have been coming your way daily for the last few weeks. But fear not, dear readers, I am still pregnant. There is much more of this ridiculousness to come.

I took a break from the blog because my body decided to have a bit of a play at having painful contractions all day. Just for a laugh. You know, try them on for size. See what it might be like to gear up for having a baby naturally, which it never did last time. With May Blossom, I never had a single contraction before she was eventually born by ceasarean for Failure To Have Any Intention Of Being Born Ever. (more…)

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An optimist is one who happily rides her friend’s bike with no pants on.

I am a pessimist. I specialise in negative visualisation. Much of my spare time, which these days is usually from 4 to 6 am when I can’t sleep, I spend constructing imaginary conversations with People Who Are Out To Get Me.

At the moment, those people are usually involved in one of my many worst-case scenarios surrounding the birth of our new baby. I’ve made plans for how to stand up for myself and talk back in politely forceful language when, for example, I end up having to have another caesarean birth and they tell me the new baby can’t stay with me in recovery, like they did with May Blossom. I’m still cross about that, even though it was only about half an hour and she spent that time stuffed naked down her father’s shirt, which got them off to a brilliant start bonding. This time, I’ve got my arguments and my plans all ready to fire off when I am thwarted. (more…)

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